i woke up a 23 year old boy, realizing i had a psycho wife, and newly born child, fuck, she went in a mental ward a month after we had him, and i had to fight off her crazy ass dad (also a) AA 20 yr. dry drunk blue collar guitar playing christian, and a whole “white man christian court system” against me, my kid has disibillities, i dealt with that fine, he called county workers, they came over, i did great, while all of this bullshit is going on, the wife gives up custody, and fucks shit up badly in court, well here i am, 24 by then, and just scared to be alive, not knowing how much longer i had to hold on to my beloved son augustus. everyone needs to understand this, i was a brainwashed working class sinner, one that would go to chuch ( a spanish speaking one at that) leaning on the benches just crying, and begging in my head to god to forgive me for everything from swearing, to basiclly breathing. i was working 70 hour weeks, seeing a wife at a state commited hospital, and staying as sober as sober could get, i thought i was doing everything wrong, when in a modern mans eyes, i was doing everything correct and polite even. keep in mind, this is pre to early to earliest media2017 days…

so…

fast-forward to me losing a child, hiding out in a small town in minnesota to have my mother lick my wounds, i was starting to see my reality and religion slipping away at a vast pace. i started seeing life for what it really was… a man eat man, elite hierarchy of society hidden away in symbolic tradtions and ceremonies, brainwashed sheeple being replaced by knownots, and the five percent nation of islam kicking in, what a time, i went into mental wards, acted out, did anything i could to destroy the thought i could do anything by myself, and then, there it really was, i could do anything i wanted…

they gave me a huge ass social security check in 2004, year i was declared retarded, cool. im starting to realize, im actually god, and i should be worshipping my own self, mom called me christ at the teen years, so ill stick with that. sitting in a small town on medications for a few racist redneck months, making an occasional video or three to pass time, when i finally get the money in my hand, decision time.. now, lets go meet this girl that seems capible of putting up with this outward side of me thats in effect, so i fly out to norcal, LENOR, woah, i gotta take this one back to mom, did it, found so much fucking religion out west, i realized i was the priest, fucked up my back seriouslly bad bad bad (3 surgeries motherfuckers) found a home back amoungst media2017 brotherhood. well…

everything was good until she started slipping up, physical pain makes sense, as i see myself having to have some sacrifice, i made a horrible mistake shipping lenor out, and trading her in for anyones worst nightmare “nothing else to be said here” except dana cleaning up blood with toilet paper off the bathroom floor from a mistake slashing her arms up and down with razor blades..

so, im lucky enough to trade back for my #1 draft pick, she even looks like me yall. were trying to finish 26 different dvds for the summer camp 2007 sleepover tour, burn actual money, and stay this good.

so, i found god by realizing that if i worship anything, ill believe in it, so worship yourself, and youll find success, stay true to the ones that love you the most, collect everything (even $800 tenis shoes that will never be worn, and have 500+ pairs…) do as much as you possibly can, and stay good and great to your own self…

anything other than self god is fraud, until i can prove otherwise…

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to betray another in my opinion is to do something to try and destroy pride and break ones character, betrayal is a weakness within, almost a tradition. a true lack of self respect and loyalty.

whenever i have been betrayed in my life i have tried to understand why. what did i ever do to deserve that betrayal? im no angel, but i honestly feel in many of the times of deciept and betrayal throughout my life are not directly of my doing in every single instance. if you can betray someone beloved or sacred numerous times while the person being betrayed is being worshiped, you are a truly weak soul with no self respect, genuine confidence, and a huge lack of character, maybe even a lifetime chip on the shoulder or the worlds against me complex, who knows what each soul indivually feels or thinks when they do such acts. those acts can scar a man to the point of insanity or just stripping a man of his individual pride. sometimes these actions may be life long events that never heal, or a question unanswered, but the point here truly is, that loyalty is religion. loyalty is my genuine religion, and i will die with that as my word, when it comes down to it, we only have our word. love is debatable, but our own individual genuine truth is bulletproof. ive given as much as ive taken, maybe not, karma is as hard to understand as life is to me, thats why i think our lives are “karma”. we all get what we give, admitted or not, i just hate having a word to relate it to. language is so destructive to me, thats why i stand by my word, for it is the most leathal weapon and shield we all each have to defend ourselves.


wow. what a fucking day, being sober is just another dimension, one of clarity that i have missed for so long, its almost as if i intended to destroy my own clarity, looking back on the past 13 months, id say im exactlly correct. i really did dilute my soul with toxic thoughts and a chaotic lifestyle, time to reaccess myself and see what besides clarity i am missing. help me out if you can, my head is so full of questions, not one single answer. i just want to be true to everyone, even demons that may sleep amoungst my nest, do as they say, not as they do i guess. those who have caused me turmoil already have it upon them, thats why its amplified towards me. i can recognize that from my own shallow way of thinking, but when youre the one who has been betrayed, there are no worries, just find an answer in whatever event or events that caused that betrayal, and know some form of divine justice will come back at some point to that certain individual. maybe thats the masochist in all of us were scared to face or admit.

here -

masochist

1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.

2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.

3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences

if you ever hurt me or anyone, its coming for your ass. i am no different, but as of now, i have zero appology.




to all of those who love me, thank you so much.

to all those who dont, thank you so little.

sleepy. ah, finally.

-christ.

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